High Achievement, High Anxiety: How Parental Pressure Impacts Teens

Pasadena’s Culture of Investment in Children

In the Pasadena community, there's a culture of parental involvement and an emphasis on a child's education to ensure their future. It's not uncommon for parents to conduct research, tour schools, financially invest in their child's education, or participate in school activities.

Why “Helicopter Mom” Is a Misleading Label

The term “helicopter moms” is pathologizing for parents. I suspect overattentive mothers act from a place of care and want to ensure their child's well-being. Mothers aren't only parents. They have multifaceted identities that can range from being a working professional, mentor, among other roles. Simultaneously, they try to find ways to balance these roles and address their needs.

When Anxiety Shapes Parenting Decisions

Most of the parents that I work with struggle with anxiety and self-imposed pressure. At times, their anxiety can influence their parenting style or decisions. While some may view overattentiveness as controlling, for others, it can decrease their worry or establish safety. Some parents also have difficulty delegating tasks to others, which results in pressure to be everything to everyone.

How Pressure Lands on Teens

From a teenager's perspective, they can present with anxiety, perfectionism, or depression. Part of the stress can come from the number of activities they are engaged in, but the real pressure comes from their self-imposed expectations, or those of others.

A Real-World Example: The 16–18 Hour Teen Schedule

I recall working with a kind and soft-spoken teenager. They were your typical high-achieving student who was engaged in multiple extracurricular activities and was conscientious of others. However, beneath the surface, they struggled with anxiety, self-esteem concerns, and depression. They described a 16–18-hour schedule on school days. Not only was this unsustainable, but it came at the cost of their emotional and physical well-being.

The Hidden Cost of Achievement: When Worth Feels Conditional

While it's typical to celebrate a child's success, if there aren't any conversations around flexibility or failure, there may be an unintentional association with praise, affection, or self-worth tied to their achievements. This means that to receive affection, they must do well, which makes love conditional instead of feeling inherently worthy of it. On the other hand, they may place their worth on external accolades rather than finding it within themselves.

How Parents Can Reduce Pressure Without Lowering Standards

While there is no easy solution, some considerations include: incorporating flexibility, discussing failure as an opportunity for growth, providing them with options, and building their confidence because these skills are also another way to help your child succeed.